Resolve.

Resolve. I will not wear my heart on my sleeve.

Resolve. I will not fight for you.

Resolve. I am waiting on you this time.

Resolve. I will be honest to you.

Resolve. I will allow change.

Theme Song.

Lifehouse seemed to perfectly capture it for me, and much more poetically than I could have produced.

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the oceans shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I could see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be all right
And everything will be all right

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I could see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be all right
And everything will be all right

Lifehouse - Storm Lyrics

The Christian's Check List.

Come to the father, you who work and you'll work no more.

All you who labor in vain, and to the broken and shamed....

Muddle mind.

So I started this post with two lengthy paragraphs about attending church, and the rationalizations we use when we have become spiritually stagnant in a church. BUT, I could not contain my thoughts to this one topic! My brain went crazy, taking rabbit trail after rabbit trail! phew...

Sometimes, thinking through things does more harm than good for me. It's a curse really.

Sometimes, blank is best.

Declare.

"Declare a major? Declare what I will be doing with my future? Psshht...not so fast. I have time to decide, I have time to think this through and discover where my gifts lie."

This was my attitude up until this point. Everything will be alright, time will tell what the future holds. BUT as I was exploring my options this heavy pressure to make a choice came over me. I was doing okay being in the group of undecided, but suddenly I feel very insecure about my future at John Brown in general. Sort of like I'm floating...

11 days, 11 hours, 41 minutes

I want to taste your food.

I want to hear your language.

I want to experience your culture.

Greece, I will be there soon, and I anticipated your beautiful scenes will take my breathe away. This I will not ignore and I will soak in like a sponge, of this you can be sure.

But to be honest, there is a deep inner fear creeping up under my excitement. A fear that YOU have intentions outside of what my intentions are for this trip. Intentions that are outside of my control. Everything in me wants to ignore these intentions of yours, but I have a feeling some things are unavoidable.

Burst.

I am a bottle that has been shaken and kicked, ready to explode, but the lid is sealed shut. No escape for this broken past, for it would ruin what we have. I have no place to go, no place to vent. I need answers presented in a box, sealed with a ribbon that clearly explain the reason for this tumultuous time. Frustrations cut deep at every attempt to crawl out, leaving me sinking deeper into this dreadful mire. Possibly, maybe I am accepting the idea that these wounds will never heal, peace will have to be what I make it, and that satisfaction is relevant.

Writing is my vent, but this entire subject is nearly impossible to put into words, considering every day and every moment arrives a new twist or aspect as to why I am hurting here with not a foothold to call my security, no safe house. And this lack of definable state is all the more wearing at my flesh.

This blog seems dull and repetitive of my inner longings for restitution, so I apologize for all three of you that read this, but there seems to be a bit of healing here on this page.

SIMPLICITY, RUN don't WALK. here