First Impressions.

One week down here at JBU, and I have made several conclusions about my current position here. Mainly one actually.

I am overwhelmed by all that I have to learn. Yes, academically of course, but mainly when it comes to discovering who I am in relation to all things deeper than myself. My eyes being opened, and I am taken aback by how blind and deaf I am.

I look ahead, and all I can see is hurdles to jump, but it is as if I am glued to the floor. There are so many people and things here I admire, want to be like, want to learn from. There are glimpses of new all around me. New, beautiful things. Christ in this place is beautiful.

This week a reoccurring theme has been plaguing my life. I have been bombarded by letters, teachers, books, classes, sermons, and songs all telling of this theme...this lesson I cannot seem to avoid. Amazing how that happens.

In closing, I have an enormous amount of learning to do. Change must happen, new must come.

Now, let's begin...

Teach me to love.

Hush. I will love you. Not because of that I can get from you, but because of what I can give to you.

Evolve. From this creature of selfish thirst, to a vessel of servant hood.

Hush. I will love because I was loved, and I will forgive because I was forgiven.

When I seek to be loved, I seek to be satisfied. I must first seek to love.

Hush. This fairytale legend is fading fast. It is time to decide, it is time to choose.

Fight and scratch, take and rob. This is love according to you, world.

But love, unconditional love, is the farthest thing from that. Radical difference.

Love sacrifices, love serves, love gives, and love forgives.

Love is Christ, Christ is Love.

Hush.

Resolve.

Resolve. I will not wear my heart on my sleeve.

Resolve. I will not fight for you.

Resolve. I am waiting on you this time.

Resolve. I will be honest to you.

Resolve. I will allow change.

Theme Song.

Lifehouse seemed to perfectly capture it for me, and much more poetically than I could have produced.

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the oceans shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I could see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be all right
And everything will be all right

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I could see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be all right
And everything will be all right

Lifehouse - Storm Lyrics

The Christian's Check List.

Come to the father, you who work and you'll work no more.

All you who labor in vain, and to the broken and shamed....

Muddle mind.

So I started this post with two lengthy paragraphs about attending church, and the rationalizations we use when we have become spiritually stagnant in a church. BUT, I could not contain my thoughts to this one topic! My brain went crazy, taking rabbit trail after rabbit trail! phew...

Sometimes, thinking through things does more harm than good for me. It's a curse really.

Sometimes, blank is best.

Declare.

"Declare a major? Declare what I will be doing with my future? Psshht...not so fast. I have time to decide, I have time to think this through and discover where my gifts lie."

This was my attitude up until this point. Everything will be alright, time will tell what the future holds. BUT as I was exploring my options this heavy pressure to make a choice came over me. I was doing okay being in the group of undecided, but suddenly I feel very insecure about my future at John Brown in general. Sort of like I'm floating...