Status Undeterminable.

Are we there yet?
(The end of myself will be the beginning of true life)
Am I there yet?

Back to the Bing.

Binghampton; the place where my heart was completely broken and transformed in ways I never would have imagined. I experienced more pain, victory, hardship, challenges, hurt, and beauty on the streets of Binghampton the summer of 2010. I learned to love in ways I never thought I could love. I saw pain that was more real and more disgusting than I ever wished to see.

The transition back to "normal" life was incredibly difficult and led to one of the hardest seasons of my life. Pieces of me was left behind in Mrs. Mary's home, and in the relationships I was honored to be engaged in. Part of me was in Memphis, and I did not transition well at all.

And now, I am going back. How will I react when I pull up to the city again? How will I manage seeing pain and brokenness continuing there. There is so much need for Jesus to be made known.

Lord, I want to engage in this city again, but will you be with me when I return? I can't handle starting over again. I can't do this on my own. It hurts far too much.

Help me to love like you loved. See like you see. Speak like you speak. Serve like you serve.
Be enough for me.

Why Stress is Sin.

What is stress? Anxiety , worry, burden, pressure. Worry about tasks to be accomplished, things to get done, plans to follow through with, homework to finish. But at the core of stress is SELF, a lack of trust in God that He is enough, and He is faithful. Stress-

-Forgets the beauty of the Gospel and the good work that He is accomplishing in the world around us, outside of our small campus.
-Forgets that God is good, even when we have a full life
-Disrespects the enormous privilege and blessing it is to be in the top 90% of people that can attend a private, christian university.
-Closes our eyes to the needs of others, and blinds us in a self-centered universe that is limited and obstructed
-Abuses the entire body. Stress robs us of sleep, a properly working immune system, and a healthy mental and emotional state of being.
-keeps us at the center of our lives, rather than Christ being at the center of our lives.
-Fails to set us apart as people redeemed by God, but rather communicates to the outside world we have no redemption or hope in the cross.

Every week, I work with at-risk students and underprivileged kids from Siloam Springs and Colcord, Oklahoma. None of them ever dream of going to college. Their parents didn't go to college, their grandparents didn't go to college, and they certainly won't go because they will never be able afford it. And even greater than that, most of them do not know what it means to be saved by the grace of God. They live in high-stress and chaotic homes, often filled with alcohol, drugs, abuse, and sin. Do we forget where God has brought us? That could have been us! The gospel has absolutely transferred us from that darkness into this light! Why don't we live like it? Why can't others see salvation in us? Oh yes...it's because we are "stressed out".

We all have so much to do, so much on our plates. But it comes with this season of life we are privileged to be in. There is huge difference between having a full life, and a stress out life. So in our conversations, lets skip the universal complaint of "I have so much to do!" and have authentic, real conversations about what God is doing in our lives and what he is accomplishing across the globe.

God is good, and God is faithful. Let's work hard, be responsible, use our gifts to invest wholeheartedly into our lives here, remembering that He is enough. The Gospel and His Faithfulness in and outside of our community continues even when we are busy and feeling overwhelmed. Rest in this truth.

Master.

Draw me low, that I may breathe in your dust.

Draw me close, that I might inhale your essence.

Empty me.

The most I can offer is an empty vessel, awaiting Your satisfaction.

Imagine if we asked.

A new semester, a new year. I recently mentally organized my goals for this semester. They were simple, clean cut, attainable, and realistic. For example, get in shape, get good grades, prioritize time well, make the most of every day, stay emotionally healthy, make new friends. How quaint of me. Subconsciously my goal was to control, keep my hands on everything I could, stay organized and alert, be fully in charge of my life. Make it through without falling apart, play it safe and be a good college student.

Then, as I was reading Forgotten God by Francis Chan. While I have been a bit underwhelmed by the book as a whole, I was kicked-back by his words concerning the activity of the Holy Spirit in our lives (the forgotten God).

"When Jesus calls us to take up our cross, He is doing much more than calling us to endure the daily circumstantial troubles in life-He is calling us to be willing to suffer anything and forsake everything for the sake of the gospel. His call is to consider everything a loss for His sake. His call is for total surrender."

How the hell did I get here? Bending my knee, praying to the God of the Universe, to keep me safe, out of harms way, and academically successful in a university. GARBAGE! Where in the bible are we called to routine, predictability, or a life comfort?

Abandon, surrender, obedience, radical. Are these words in our prayers? Do we pray for the Holy Spirit to rock our worlds, to shake our faith, to change lives, to break the norm, work miracles, save His people?! Or do we ask for sleep, better grades, less stress, a nice person to date.

There is a world full of sin hurt, and desperately in need of a Savior, and I don't know about you, but I want to be apart of it. Sign me up, I'm all in. No more of this playing it safe.

What would happen if we simply asked for a challenge, a mountain to climb, an adventure unknown, a radical and unpredictable life. I have a feeling, He just might give it to you. The Holy spirit is real, active, moving and powerful...how easily I forget.

Let Me Swim.

I find myself gripping, clinging, barely holding on. My knuckles are white, and my palms blistered from gradually slipping farther and farther. My muscles are shaking, about to give out. Terrified, I cannot bring myself to look at what lies below, because above me only promises reminders of stormy uncertainty, dripping with remnants of pain and mistakes. Dark clouds churning, spitting bolts of lightning. Thunder so loud, it's deafening. Everything within me shivers at the thought of returning to the storm.

But below? Below is even more terrifying, mostly because I have never seen it before. The uncertainty holds me back. The unknown hinders me from giving up. Weakened, I finally force me gaze downward, and I look past my dangling feet. Blue waters. Blue waters as far as the eye can see! Sweet, refreshing breeze, gentle waves, and promise of renewal splash below me. Whispers of pure forgiveness and grace shuffle the waters, and His kind voice draws me in. “Come to me, you who are weary and I will give you rest."

Rest; the depth and security in His voice is irresistible. Sweet forgiveness, endless grace, and love longing to wash over me awaits.

Jump in, and taste and see that He. is. Good.

"Sometimes letting go is the hardest part."