Look up.

Look up. Stop shuffling your feet. Quit pouting over these disappointments. Cease your empty thought, oh downtrodden spirit.

Stop. Raise your eyes. Look ahead. Do you see what I have in store for you? Do you see what your future holds? The wonders, the victories, the fullness of life in Me? Bursting with newness and fresh air, with Me, you will find purpose like nothing else! You will find triumph beyond compare. You will find strength you never knew you had in ME. You will experience trials and hardships where you dependence on Me will break your last hold on selfish loss. You will be fully exposed to my glorious divinity as I work in beyond your imagination. Do you believe me? It's true. Let me prove it to you.

So stop being distracted by the little things here in front of you, the small distractions of the moment. What was behind you is done, gone, forgiven. If you look up, breath in, you will see My work accomplished in you.

Now, Run towards Me, and don't you dare let up.

Moving on.

Sometimes life demands we grow up, be big kids, and say goodbye to the way things used to be.

No looking back. No tears. Hold your shoulders back and keep a steady gaze to the road ahead of you.

Change is inevitable. Change shapes and challenges us constantly to be in movement towards holiness. First, the old skin must be slowly peeled away in order to feel the wind, to touch the sunlight.

The question is, what will become of these gaping holes waiting to be filled?

"What I have ahead for you will not disappoint. In fact, it is unimaginably better than what was once important to you. Simply trust Me, let go, and allow your heart to be free in Me. But whatever happens, do not be afraid. Fear extinguishes the beauty found here, found now in the journey, and most certainly will distract you from My relentless gaze. Stop and look into My eyes. Don't look away, get comfortable with this. Captivated? I'm captivated by you.

Be. With. Me. Now."

Wake.

Good morning. The night lasted far too long.

Leap.

What would happen if this thinking stopped, and I took a radical leap of faith into the arms of the faithful one?

Oh, what could happen! What could be done! What walls could be broken and barriers destroyed! In the arms of the Faithful One.

I cannot see what is waiting for me off this mountain top, but I can taste it, I can smell it. I can feel it.

Fear, be gone. You will be blasted away by the rays of Christ's glory.

Go ahead, take a step. It may hurt at first, but He will not let you hit bottom. He can't.

Come back when you're ready.

I am far too easily distracted by you. Like a puppy bouncing about in a new home, but in a much more negative light. Bad sign, newbie. Bad sign.

Inadequacy.

Can there be something made from this mess? I stand here, in the dark, with a whelm of hopelessness taking my breath away.

I have dreams, but they are unattainable.

I have goals, but I am incapable.

I have desires, but pride awfully taints their potential.

What am I good at? Where are my gifts? What am I here for? I seem to be coming up blank, and it is gnawing at my composure.

Please, meet me here. I do not know what to do. I will not run to others to get find assurance. I need you now, will you be here?

Pause.I turned to the word because I do not know where else to go, and His word grants this peace.

2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect when you are weak."


2 Timothy 1:9 "...Who has called us and called us with a Holy calling, NOT according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was granted us in Jesus Christ from all eternity."

Conclusion. I am desperately weak. He is able. I must learn to believe this.

First Impressions.

One week down here at JBU, and I have made several conclusions about my current position here. Mainly one actually.

I am overwhelmed by all that I have to learn. Yes, academically of course, but mainly when it comes to discovering who I am in relation to all things deeper than myself. My eyes being opened, and I am taken aback by how blind and deaf I am.

I look ahead, and all I can see is hurdles to jump, but it is as if I am glued to the floor. There are so many people and things here I admire, want to be like, want to learn from. There are glimpses of new all around me. New, beautiful things. Christ in this place is beautiful.

This week a reoccurring theme has been plaguing my life. I have been bombarded by letters, teachers, books, classes, sermons, and songs all telling of this theme...this lesson I cannot seem to avoid. Amazing how that happens.

In closing, I have an enormous amount of learning to do. Change must happen, new must come.

Now, let's begin...

Teach me to love.

Hush. I will love you. Not because of that I can get from you, but because of what I can give to you.

Evolve. From this creature of selfish thirst, to a vessel of servant hood.

Hush. I will love because I was loved, and I will forgive because I was forgiven.

When I seek to be loved, I seek to be satisfied. I must first seek to love.

Hush. This fairytale legend is fading fast. It is time to decide, it is time to choose.

Fight and scratch, take and rob. This is love according to you, world.

But love, unconditional love, is the farthest thing from that. Radical difference.

Love sacrifices, love serves, love gives, and love forgives.

Love is Christ, Christ is Love.

Hush.

Resolve.

Resolve. I will not wear my heart on my sleeve.

Resolve. I will not fight for you.

Resolve. I am waiting on you this time.

Resolve. I will be honest to you.

Resolve. I will allow change.

Theme Song.

Lifehouse seemed to perfectly capture it for me, and much more poetically than I could have produced.

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the oceans shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I could see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be all right
And everything will be all right

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I could see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be all right
And everything will be all right

Lifehouse - Storm Lyrics

The Christian's Check List.

Come to the father, you who work and you'll work no more.

All you who labor in vain, and to the broken and shamed....

Muddle mind.

So I started this post with two lengthy paragraphs about attending church, and the rationalizations we use when we have become spiritually stagnant in a church. BUT, I could not contain my thoughts to this one topic! My brain went crazy, taking rabbit trail after rabbit trail! phew...

Sometimes, thinking through things does more harm than good for me. It's a curse really.

Sometimes, blank is best.

Declare.

"Declare a major? Declare what I will be doing with my future? Psshht...not so fast. I have time to decide, I have time to think this through and discover where my gifts lie."

This was my attitude up until this point. Everything will be alright, time will tell what the future holds. BUT as I was exploring my options this heavy pressure to make a choice came over me. I was doing okay being in the group of undecided, but suddenly I feel very insecure about my future at John Brown in general. Sort of like I'm floating...

11 days, 11 hours, 41 minutes

I want to taste your food.

I want to hear your language.

I want to experience your culture.

Greece, I will be there soon, and I anticipated your beautiful scenes will take my breathe away. This I will not ignore and I will soak in like a sponge, of this you can be sure.

But to be honest, there is a deep inner fear creeping up under my excitement. A fear that YOU have intentions outside of what my intentions are for this trip. Intentions that are outside of my control. Everything in me wants to ignore these intentions of yours, but I have a feeling some things are unavoidable.

Burst.

I am a bottle that has been shaken and kicked, ready to explode, but the lid is sealed shut. No escape for this broken past, for it would ruin what we have. I have no place to go, no place to vent. I need answers presented in a box, sealed with a ribbon that clearly explain the reason for this tumultuous time. Frustrations cut deep at every attempt to crawl out, leaving me sinking deeper into this dreadful mire. Possibly, maybe I am accepting the idea that these wounds will never heal, peace will have to be what I make it, and that satisfaction is relevant.

Writing is my vent, but this entire subject is nearly impossible to put into words, considering every day and every moment arrives a new twist or aspect as to why I am hurting here with not a foothold to call my security, no safe house. And this lack of definable state is all the more wearing at my flesh.

This blog seems dull and repetitive of my inner longings for restitution, so I apologize for all three of you that read this, but there seems to be a bit of healing here on this page.

SIMPLICITY, RUN don't WALK. here

The End.

High School is nearly over.

How did this happen?

Easiest.

"MY BURDEN IS LIGHT"
This I have forgotten, until tonight. All of this, does not need to be complicated.

Starving.

We are starving and unaware.

What would happen if we could take a moment and step out of our churches, step out of out comfort zones andBreath&Taste&Touch. We will see that we are selling ourselves short, missing the thunderstorm, missing the rain.

I have become exhausted by soaking in, and leaving without a push to look out side my box. And I blame this on no one but myself, but realize I have lost touch of those who hurt, those who are broken, and those who are in need because I am selfish.

So we will sit here in the light, sit here in the warmth, and rust away with the knowledge of saving grace.

We are starving for more, itching to fulfill something past high school, past crushes, past stress of jobs and homework. We must begin to change our perspectives, or this mantra of life will continue to leave us empty, tired, and thirsty.

Now I know I have a tendencies to vent life's current restraints on real living, but honest have few ideas about how to attain this sought after bliss. So, I have resolved to daily look past the present, look past my self absorbed mindset, and seek to love.

(This might be a bit harder than it sounds)

And the time continues.

"It's worth it."

or so they tell me.

Pursue me.

Gaze into my eyes, and let me know You’d fight thousands, for my love.

I want to hide, what’s deep in my eyes. I’m scared to be known by You.

But when I turn my head, and see You there,

I want to be pursued.

The Scientific Method of Prayer.

I have recently learned there is a projected method to prayer. I have always known that there is a great measure of respect due when approaching the Lord of lords. But a pattern to follow? Seems to take away my last glimpse of approachability.

This new idea again, is tripping up my foothold. Some say to approach the heavenly father in cries of honesty and pure, childlike faith. "Daddy, hear my cry"

Others say we must follow the steps of Praise, Thanksgiving, Confess, Petition, Intercession...ect.

Some cling to their relicts, others rituatally and habitually seek their god.

Again, these contradicting voices are slicing at my roots. Are we really trying to define this motion of prayer?

Lord, teach me to pray.

To feel again.

Bring on the silence. I've been wallowing in this painful noiseless void for far too long anyways. I am stuck here where I cannot seem to get a grip, I cannot move forward, and I cannot think outside this box.

Is this a joke? Is there something wrong with me?

So bring on the silence. I seemed to have lost my will to excel, my creativity and my thought process, which is more frustrating than one would think. Here I will perveve and push, what option do I have other than giving up? I will not give up.

all I want is to feel again.

Summer.

Summer, come faster please?

I long for your sun on my skin, I anxiously await your freedom.

Summer, hurry please!

P.s-I will meet you in Greece. Wait for me?

Life past here.

"To live life with an attitude of invincibility is like driving a car with no sight. "

It is so dangerous as Christians to believe the world is sin, out of reach, and irrelevant to us. While this is the extreme side of the "seclusive church", this idea is real and seeping through the walls of church.

As this idea has been on my mind a lot lately, it was fed by several events/realizations I had this weekend. We are soon to exit our safe bubble called christian high school (or life with our families and familiar churches) and enter into college. We all have heard that it's hard, it's challenging, it is stretching. But can we really do this and be ok? Can we get there and not cave under the pressure? I'm going to be honest, I'm a little worried about compromise and rationalization taking over.

Please be there when I need you to be. I promise I'll be there for you, anytime. We can do this.

Flaw.

I am desperately flawed.
I am dependant on the meaningless.
I am defined by my inabilites to accomplish.



I am desperately flawed, and hurting here.

Media.

My exterior is beginning to crack, but unfortunately by the ever increasing exposure to these perverse and twisted ideas you continue to pour out of your studios and present to the easily impressionable mind. It frustrates me that even I am becoming desensitized to this, not because I choose to stand on my pedestal and denounce the world, but because I, personally, have begun accepted some of this. Not only accepted, but on some ways have allowed myself to expect the media's interpretation of truth to seep into my own life and become actuality.

How am I supposed to maintain my grip with these false representations of love and future and relationships breaking in, when I struggle enough with the definition of these ideas already?

I need truth in it's purest form. I need the media to quiet itself for a moment, please? I cannot hear correctly, I cannot think correctly. Will you quiet down for just a little while?

Trend of the Week=Green

A comical occurrence has been continually presenting itself to me over the past few months, so I will use this time to expound.

Have you taken time to notice the powerful influence that current cultural trends have on almost every social angle?

It seems that every other advertising scheme relates back to the overplayed phrase-

Go Green

Clothing, cleaners, and cars are all resorting to the popular economic bend. And it think it is rather humorous to me....why? Because it is a moment, a trend, a phase, just like peace&love in the 70's.

So we must recycle, reuse, reduce. Maybe to save our planet, but probably to be socially acceptable.

So let us hug a tree, at least until this fad will fade.

Spackle god.

"Deuteronomy 10:21 He is your praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes."

Is this our God? This indescribable wonder that continues to shake up and burst through our lives? Who is moving and shaking our tiny, inadequate minds to somehow understand we are selfish, needy, and desperately fallen short, but desperately in need of Him?

Yet we continue to try to paint His image on a canvas, and explain his deep complexities after reading a book about it?

We chose a topic, read verses with the key word in them, and use God's work as a paste to fill in the gaps of our theories. His word is a filler, to prove our point. We generalize, we guess, we assume so much about God, and who he is.

God is overly surmised to be the safe, comfortable God we need him to be.

Can we, can I stop trying to shove this explosively wonderful God into a box? Stop trying to contain His person to fit the struggle, question, or feelings I am currently having?

God is more.

God is huge.

I am small.

The Letter.

Dear Child,

Will you let me love you?

I long to hear your voice, even if it i so only the weak mutterings of a broken soul. I want you to open up, and tell me a little bit about your day. What's on your mind, will you tell me please? This silence is breaking me heart. I know your incomplete and unsatisfied, but that is why I am here. I can mend, I can complete.
I am painless and effortless, if you would simply allow me to get inside.

You a fearful while I am FIXED.

You are flawed while I am ABSOLUTE.

You are selfish while I am FLAME.

Yet you are still afraid of me? Let go. Release this. I promise you...

It's worth it.

Trust fall.

Can we please take this slow? I'm uneasy and afraid. My bruises still hurt and my wounds still bleed. Take me hand, but don't move to fast. This is harder than one would think.

What would it be like to close my eyes, cross my arms, lean back, and fall fall fall. To let go of the rope, the rotting grasp of fatal security, and fall willingly into the arms of the One who whispered, "I am here. I am faithful. I am now."

This, to me, is horrifying. But there seem to be no other options. What would it be like to trust, to release the worthless and disappointing grasp on this world in order to finally fully taste, to breath, to be free? This world has everything one could imagine, but nothing one needs.

I am small. This, is huge.

I am battling so many emotions and fears and clinging to every reason as to why I am inadequate of being swept up and letting go of these menacing doubts.

If I fall, will you promise to catch me?